Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
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My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
😂💯
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people