Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
You Might Also Like
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…