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God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
This is a sub tweet
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.