Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
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a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.