Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
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The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade