When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I鈥檓 the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Therapist: let鈥檚 try guided imagery to help you relax. I鈥檒l play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I鈥檓 describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they鈥檝e spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
very niche meme I made
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he鈥檒l give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 馃槀馃槀馃槀
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it鈥檚 humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it鈥檚 moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I hate when I鈥檓 on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.