People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”