That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
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“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Swedish for common sense.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.