Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
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Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…