i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
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Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
fired
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I created you as mosquito food.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?