People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
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There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Y’all know who you are.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.