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I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.