Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.