Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.