My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
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A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
2 years later
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.