Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
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employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.