Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.