Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
This is a bad sign
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*