Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
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I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.