Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard