Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
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The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Thoughts
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive