i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
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Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—