Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
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I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!