I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
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*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.