If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
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I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again