Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Them: You should try keto
Me:
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.