Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
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Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
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Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.