Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
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I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.