It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
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Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Don’t make me out nice you.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
me when i see my girls butt
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”