How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
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(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.