TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
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Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
It’s a gift
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
🙂🐾
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.