Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
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*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Trumpy Cat