Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
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To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.