16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
You Might Also Like
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Fight
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.