[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
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11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.