[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
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Extremely relatable.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus