Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
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The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine