I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.