She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
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My loaf of bread looks terrified
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.