Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
You Might Also Like
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*