Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
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People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.