Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.