Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
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Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
scares
Just say no
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.