Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
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I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
We need more people like this.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”