I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.