You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
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I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Challenge accepted.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”