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English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I see your IQ test came back negative