“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
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How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college