“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward