Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Breaking news:
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.